Saturday, February 7, 2009

My Life Would Suck Without You (A St. Valentine’s Day Massacre Wish List)

The Secret Museum


I think the planet would be a much better place if these bands/singers listed below ceased to exist immediately:

10. Loverboy

I will stay away from any loaded firearms on Feb. 12th when they play The Oh-Kay Casino in Espanola. Loverboy took rehashed chords and banal lyrics to new lows over the last twenty-five plus years. There is a reason to see them live: if you want to experience the living, breathing definition of shite, go.

9. Pat Boone

I know you probably think he’s dead, but Dick-In-The-Box is still out there. His biggest sin was “interpreting” some great rhythm n’ blues tunes back in the 1950s, i.e. making them digestible for the white Eisenhower voter’s kids. Preacher Pat somehow wound up in black leather/bondage gear acting the 90s Metal God. You can’t make this kind of stuff up; he claimed it was all a gag gone wrong. Right now he’s probably playing strip poker with Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggert and Jim Baker.

8. Coldplay

Everything that’s wrong with today’s rock music is all here. Whining, mopey, faceless music that has no passion or drive. Shit, at least Loverboy are high-energy nonsense. Chris Martin has threatened that ’09 might be their last year together; we should all light candles and pray right now.

7. White Zombie / Rob Zombie

A teenage-cash fleecing project that exceeded beyond all expectations. How did Rob know that in aiming for America’s impressionable thirteen to sixteen year olds, he would also be revered by the twenty something and older metal crowd. Dumb growling vocals that are supposed to be scary. The scariest thing about him is that his uninspiring “everyday is Halloween act” won’t go away.

6. The Eagles

Maybe the first ever Sham/Wow-type marketing scam in rock music. They kept it dumb and simple, and preyed on your emotional attachment to pretty harmonies. Don’t feel bad if you recently paid $200.00 a ticket to see them live- their Lear jet’s fuel costs are astronomical, and it probably needs new tires. Sucker.

5. Starship

They didn’t want you to buy their music; they just needed money and knew you had to get something in return. I prefer a Ginsu knife for $14.95 to anything this cellophane-wrapped turd of a band ever put out.

4. REO Speedwagon

Lead poodle Kevin Cronin should be charged with crimes against humanity and forced to serve a minimum five-year term in solitary confinement for his profoundly lame nursery rhymes. Music for modern day hayseeds.

3. Journey

An instructional video on lead vocalist Steve Perry’s mannerisms should be created for what not to do on stage for aspiring singers. No band has ever played with more conviction about songs that are absolutely without meaning. What the hell is “The Wheel in the Sky” about? Even Perry doesn’t know, but he’s laughing all the way to the bank. Pompous arena rock for kids that didn’t get to the circus enough in their youth.

2. Poison

I’m going to create a toll free emergency hot line for any female thinking of going on Brett Michael’s reality show Rock of Love. No one should ever have to kiss that slimy bastard, no matter how much money he pays. Arguably the most unoriginal band in the history of the planet.

1. Motley Crue

Beer belly idiots with stupid hats and bandanas like their chimpanzee cousins Poison. I DON’T GIVE A F**K ABOUT HOW MUCH BOOZE OR DRUGS YOU DID. NO ONE GIVES A F**K ABOUT HOW MUCH BOOZE AND DRUGS YOU DID. Boring. No, worse: loud and boring. Let’s get Poison & The Motley gang together in a remote location for a concert. I’ll buy all the tickets and keep them to myself, then send a cruise missile into their trailer while they’re in their pre-show ritual of drinking Southern Comfort and stuffing socks into the front of their pants.

-Jimmy “Long Knives” Webb


Too true. God, how I hated Hair Metal. And The Eagles (most of ALL, The Eagles.)

The Number One single in the nation this week is Kelly Clarkson’s My Life Would Suck Without You. The song made history for the largest leap ever in Billboard’s chart placement, jumping from number 97 to the top spot in one week. Congratulations, Kelly.
This time last year, Flo Rida’s Low held Billboard’s lead chart position, and two years back Beyonce Knowles did the same with Irreplaceable. Go back one more year, and Beyonce is on top again with Check On It. Mario’s Let Me Love You was Number One for nine weeks in 2005, including this very week. That’s five years of January Number One songs, and I’m not familiar with any of them. In fact, apart from Outcast’s Hey Ya (2004, and a great tune by the way), I have to go back to 2001 before finding a Billboard Number One single for the last week in January that I recognize (Shaggy’s ridiculously catchy dancehall novelty It Wasn’t Me, omnipresent at the time and unheard since;) I never encountered Bump, Bump, Bump (2003) or U Got It Bad (2002). Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You rounds out the decade, and I’m not familiar with it either. Ten years of chart toppers from the last days of January, and I am only aware of two of them. Sad.

Sadder still- I can’t identify one song on this week’s Top Ten chart, which also includes Lady GaGa, Beyonce (yet again), Kanye, Taylor Swift and Britney.) Also, none from a year ago, just two from five years ago (Hey Ya and Kelis’ Milkshake), and none from ten years ago. Fifteen years ago- zero. 1989- the year Taylor Swift was born- one (Bobby Brown- My Prerogative.) Things improve for January, 1984- I’m familiar with six out of ten; same thing for 1979. In 1974 I recognize all ten, and again in 1969. So either I was paying closer attention to the radio as a kid or music was more memorable then (more likely both), or pop music charts have simply been sub-categorized into meaningless enumerations and lost their usefulness as a means to both gauge the culture and assist in the sound tracking of our lives.

Anyway, here’s an enumeration, in no particular order, of some hit makers- past and present- without whom my life might not suck:

U2, Coldplay, Phil Collins, Sheryl Crow, Alan Thicke’s goofy kid, Sting, Oasis, Sean Combs, 4 Non Blondes, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Ryan Adams, Bryan Adams, Devendra Banhart, Counting Crows, Ringo Starr, Elton John, Air Supply, The Eagles, Jackson Browne, plus everyone else operating out of Los Angeles between 1969 and 1976 (with the exceptions of-- as I’ve stated before- Arthur Lee, Randy Newman and Judee Sill), David Byrne, mid-period onward Chicago, Guns N Roses, Avril Lavigne, Poison, George Michael, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Supertramp, Blink 182, Matchbox 20, The Cure, White Stripes and ilk, Bon Jovi, Maroon 5, Culture Club, Morrissey, Vanilla Ice, Dave Matthews, Paul Simon, Quiet Riot, Korn, Beck, Nickelback, Kid Rock, Fall Out Boy, Jack Johnson, Goo Goo Dolls, Creed, Styx, Oingo Boingo, Mick Jagger, Asia, Wallflowers, Loverboy, Huey Lewis, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, Jefferson Starship, Whitesnake, Pat Benatar, Billy Joel, Journey, Tears For Fears, Captain and Tennille, Linda Ronstadt, Spandau Ballet, Pat Boone, Debby Boone, Smashing Pumpkins, Simple Minds, Robert Mirabal, Spin Doctors, Motley Crue, Nelson, Mike & The Mechanics, Billy Idol, Simply Red, Dire Straits, Gwen Stefani/No Doubt, Limp Bizkit, INXS, Prince, Linkin Park, Hootie and The Blowfish, Live, Bush, The Offspring, Alanis Morissette, Jane’s Addiction, Lenny Kravitz, Rage Against The Machine, Toad The Wet Sprocket, Bauhaus/Batcave shite, Wilson Phillips, UB40, Duran Duran, Rod Stewart, Kenny Rogers, Little River Band, Madonna, Diana Ross, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey and various other divas, most Gangta rappers, Toby Keith, Trace Adkins and the rest of the Nashville goofballs, practically all Americana practitioners, Nick Cave, the Fray, and REM.

Something tells me I’ll probably want to add Kelly Clarkson to the list if I ever manage to hear her.
-Michael “The Irish Axe” Mooney


I agree 100% with your piece on not knowing the Top Ten hit parade for the last 20 years or so. The only two songs I've ever liked that my teenage kids liked (and had heavy radio play) were Pink - Get This Party Started, and Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started (damn, I must be ready to get something started.) Your suck list was quite majestic and awe-inspiring. I would like to heartily second Counting (the dullest) Crows, David (I'm an artist) Byrne, Morrissey (why is it that anyone who uses a single name is always a complete and total wanker?), Huey (creator of flabby goof-rock) Lewis, and Alanis (I cashed in on my childhood angst) Morissette. Last but not least, Michael Stipe’s failed 5th grade assignment to dress up and fart in a mud puddle can't go unrecognized, along with the rest of his REM frat brothers.

J. Long Knives

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