The Secret Museum
by Michael Mooney
Michael Mooney: Your total comes to eighty-three dollars seventy-four cents.
Madonna (to baby daddy companion): What did he say?
Michael Mooney (to b.d.c.): Tell her he said, "It comes to eighty-three dollars seventy-four cents".
Michael Mooney: Hey, Mr. Reynolds, we gotta close now.
Burt Reynolds: Just give me another minute here.
[Five minutes later]
Michael Mooney: I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds, we have to lock up now.
Burt Reynolds: Okay, just give me another minute here.
[One minute later]
Michael Mooney: Hey, Mr. Re...
Burt Reynolds: I said give me another...
Michael Mooney: GET OUT!!!
Mick Jagger's minder: Excuse me, is it alright if Mick jumps the queue? He's got to catch a plane.
Michael Mooney: Sure, if it's okay with them. [Gestures to line of customers.]
Mick's minder: Pardon me. Is it alright if Mick jumps ahead here? He has to catch a plane.
The Customers: Yes. Absolutely.
Mick Jagger: Cheers.
Michael Mooney: You can't park there. They'll tow you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Aww, c'mon, man. Pleeasse?
Michael Mooney: Okay.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Cool!
Michael Mooney: Sorry, Lemmy, you have to take that cigarette outside.
Lemmy: Yeah, alright.
[10 seconds pass]
Michael Mooney: I kind of meant now.
Lemmy: Ah, fuck it!
Bruce Wagner (former hotshot LA novelist): Hey. This is Parker Posey. She's in Party Girl. See? [Gestures to advertisement on nearby billboard.] Can I get a picture of her with you for a piece I'm doing in Premiere?
Michael Mooney: No.
[Prince's driver knocks on locked door at closing time.)
Prince's driver: Can Prince come in?
Michael Mooney: Prince who? [pause]... Just kidding!
Billy Corgan: Where do you keep books on the 1830s?
Michael Mooney: What?
Billy Corgan: The 1830s. It's my favorite decade, history-wise.
Michael Mooney: Oh. Well, let's see. We may have a book on Andrew Jackson, or that new Hans Christian Andersen bio. They were both pretty busy in the '30s. Maybe something on the Greek Revolution?
Billy Corgan: Never mind. Where's the rhyming dictionaries?
Molly Ringwald: Do you have Joyce Carol Oates' On Boxing?
Michael Mooney: I think so. It should be over here in the Sports section.
Molly Ringwald: It's not a sports book; it's a novel.
Michael Mooney: No, it isn't.
Gregory Peck: You're holding a book for me. I'm Gregory Peck.
Michael Mooney: I know that!
[At book signing event]
Michael Mooney: Do you want me to put your jacket in the office, John?
John Lydon: Hah! You're not getting your hands on this. [He strokes the lapels between thumb and forefinger.]
Michael Mooney: Oh, like I'd want to steal that thing.
Suzanne Pleshette [sings]: Come on a my house, my house...
Michael Mooney [sings]: I'm gonna give you a Christmas tree!
Suzanne Pleshette: You have a nice voice.
Michael Mooney: So do you.
Peter Wolf: How do you get to Chatsworth?
Michael Mooney: No idea.
Peter Wolf: I gotta get to Chatsworth.
Co-worker: You remind me of Ice Cube.
Michael Mooney: Thanks. You remind me of Sharleen Spiteri.
[1995]
1940s tough-guy actor Lawrence Tierney: You from Philly? I spent time in Philly. Good town. You're okay, kid.
[1996]
Lawrence Tierney: Where's the dictionaries?
Michael Mooney: Just up the steps to the end. Turn left. You can't miss them.
Lawrence Tierney: Take me to them.
Michael Mooney: Sure. Just as soon as I move these books out of the aisle. Be a second.
Lawrence Tierney: Take a shower, you dirty rat bastard! Get a haircut!!
[He strikes Michael Mooney with his cane.]
Michael Mooney: Hey!
-mooney@taosnet.com
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